Part 6: Things Fall Apart

I felt like I wanted to do more. I spoke to Haley about it and she recommended I start working with a Biokineticest. She had two people in mind, this guy [Bio] who was away in the states for a while at the moment, and a lady who was around and available. I wanted to get going as soon as possible and so wanted to start with the lady immediately. Haley advised me that she thought that [Bio] and I would get on well and that I should hold out and wait until he came back and then start working with him. Although I had my reservations, I agreed. This was very significant.

I started working with [Bio], and immediately I realized that this was the right way, with the right person. At first I continued with physio as well as bio with [Bio]. RehabMatters was about 1km from [Bio]’s practice and I often used to ‘run’ from one session to the next. The sessions with [Bio] started out smallish with me on the bench and him manipulating my leg, making me push against him in various positions and angles. From the start we focused immensely on ‘core’ work – stomach and back strengthening essentially. Only later on would I come to understand just how valuable core work is. Eventually we moved on to using weights and all manner of contraptions and ideas that [Bio] would cook up. The sessions were always massively challenging – I usually basically crawled out of there, soaked with sweat –I loved it.

I had aspirations of a big comeback. I thought that I might be able to target that old friend of mine, the Ironman UK 70.3 in July 2008. [Bio] said that we would make the call in February. In all honesty, it was a bridge (way) too far at that stage, but I like aiming high. In the midst of the training with [Bio] and the OT, I unfortunately fell into a deep depression and was really not a happy person at all, constantly thinking of ways to end it all and just be done with it. I chatted to Haley about it and also with Jodi (my psychologist) and we agreed that I should see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with severe depression and put me on an anti-depressant called Cipralex. I didn’t know much about depression, but learned quickly that it was not just something that you could ‘snap out of’ and also that the damage to my brain and consequent loss of my livelihood also caused me to be more at risk to it. Together with me not currently living much of a life, I was really in the depths and didn’t know what to do. The Cipralex seemed to do a little to better my mood, but the psychiatrist did say that we might have to try something different if there wasn’t a marked difference in my mood by January. It was really difficult to explain to people what was wrong with me, with the vast majority not understanding and simply believing that it was just a state of mind, not an actual chemical condition, as proved by science. [Girlfriend] in particular was skeptical and our relationship was deteriorating all the time. I think sometimes that [Girlfriend] thought that once I was out of rehab that life would get back on track quickly; we would get going with our lives. I think a lot of people may have thought that. I certainly do not blame anyone for having thought that.

That December I went to Mauritius with [Girlfriend] and her family. It was my first time there, and I found it a really great place. Weather was usually perfect, if a little windy. Staying with the family was great, they are amazing people. Unfortunately, they did not really understand my state of mind, continuing to believe (I think) that I was just a little ‘down’. [Girlfriend] and I didn’t get on well. One night we went for dinner together and it was really not enjoyable, with me trying to convince her of how things would come together at some point. She was skeptical, and I did not enjoy that evening. There were a few occasions where we were at dinner with groups of people and I felt extremely inadequate and ‘nothing’. I didn’t really have much to offer, just a weak, clumsy, limping, quiet nobody. I was in a bad state, and did not hide it well. I found it really hard to do things, I had very little motivation for anything really. Writing about it really messes me up a bit, I don’t enjoy remembering those times. One thing that did happen was that a friend of ours’ dog had given birth to puppies (the father was our very handsome and friendly Shuggy –a black lab). I immediately claimed one of the black pups when chatting on the phone to my mom from Mauritius. I decided that he would have a human name and named him John. We would meet when I got back. That was really exciting for me, despite my current state of mind.

Mauritius in many ways pointed out starkly to me my shortcomings. Mentally, personally, psychologically, I was wrecked. Physically I was too. I found it very difficult to do things that I would have thought nothing of before; we went out on a boat to swim with Dolphins –I was not strong enough to pull myself back onto it when we were done and had to be pulled up on to the boat dead-weight style. I tried to swim (as in proper swim) but it was shit. Everything I tried seemed shit.

Coming back from holiday I got back into the swing of things with [Bio]. While things with [Girlfriend] and I continued to deteriorate, physically I was making good progress. [Bio] told me that there might be a chance he would be able to get me an entry into the New York Marathon in November. I was skeptical. People often say things that they don’t mean or cannot really follow up on. In fairness, [Bio] didn’t really promise, but rather said there was a chance. As time went on [Girlfriend] and I continued to argue and generally not get along. She was frustrated that I could not really do anything (‘you can’t work or anything’ is what she once said). On one occasion she also said that I should ‘find a job’. I was really hurt by statements like that, I was still really just trying my best to piece myself together as best as I knew how. In hindsight though, I do not blame her at all for her actions, I understand them.

Upon consulting with the psychiatrist we decided that the Cipralex was not working well enough and that we should try something else –Venlor. It was a long process going on and off this medication; one always has to slowly wean yourself on and off the stuff (6 weeks and 6 weeks). The effects could usually only be seen after 8 weeks or so. Anyway, Venlor seemed to work better than Cipralex, and my state of mind improved.

[Girlfriend] and I decided to ‘take a break’ of a month to see if that might improve things in our relationship. All along the way I constantly tried to convince her to come with me to see Jodi for some ‘couples therapy’ to sort through our shit –she always refused, saying how could we need therapy now even before we were married? I tried in vain to change her mind. I still really loved her and wanted it to work with her to get through this. I think that [Girlfriend] was just impatient to get our lives going and could not understand the trauma that I had been through, and that this was a BIG ‘thing’. I felt more and more that she was struggling to believe in my ability to ‘do anything’ as she used to always believe. This was really devastating to me –she always had the most confidence in me of everyone. I always felt like I had to try to convince her that it would all be OK. After the one-month break, we started seeing each other again. It was not better, things were still just the same really. On the 20^th February we were at her place and she was having a look at my new cell-phone (she always loved snooping for some kind of ‘incriminating’ evidence –she was always suspicious) and noticed that I had the number and business name of a long ago ex-girlfriend (now good friend) in my phone. She immediately confronted me about it, and to be honest, I didn’t really know what to say –I didn’t think there was really an issue here. Anyway, she continued to play around with the phone until she managed to reset it or something so that I lost all the data on it, including my scheduled physio, OT, Bio, psychiatrist, and psychologist sessions for the next 6 months. It was that that finally tipped me over the edge (in combination with the ex-girlfriend thing too). I kind of lost it I think and stormed out shouting ‘its over!’. I was extremely upset and left immediately. She shouted after me ‘you’re going to regret this Peter!’. I shouted back ‘we’re both going to regret this!’. I drove home in an absolute state, seething with anger, over everything: her recently developed inability to believe in me, my inability to find solutions to these issues with the woman that I loved, my inability to be the person she wanted me to be at that point, and many other things.

I was just SO frustrated! My life until then (pre-illness) had been good –going according to plan (just as I liked it). I worked hard, I made sacrifices, I did things. What the fuck was going on?